Are You an Innie or an Outie?

The truth is, we all have a little bit of Neanderthal in the old DNA, just as we have a bit of chimpanzee in there. Or maybe chimpanzee have a little human. It's hard to say for sure. But in any case, when pressed hard by circumstance, humans do have the ability to peel bananas from the bottom up, survive on proteins we pick from our loved ones' fur, and beat our chests emphatically when we want to make a point.

It's a little harder to know which human quirks mirror the Neanderthal. But that's only because we have so few cave men in captivity and so little video tape to observe. America's exotic pet owners, however, are able to say that today's Neanderthals, like belly buttons, come in two forms: innies and outies.

I, with my constant reflection and intellectual curiosity about the coming ice age, am an innie. My cousin PJ, who lives in the arctic circle, hunts, fishes and shoots all trespassers for food, and sheds his fur in the summer, is an outie. PJ does not need to prepare for the coming ice age. He wakes every morning, gathers up his loyal dogs, and walks outside chanting, "Today! Today! Let the ice come today! Today! Today! Let the ice come today!"

The casual observer might think he is trying to get out of going to his day job, which, let's face it, is a necessity in the pre-ice age era and something we innies have down cold. In truth, PJ is ready for his next challenge and only an ice age will do. We innies, might be somewhat behind.

We could attempt to catch up by following the outies' example--build basement get away shelters, amass a lifetime supply of food and nuclear weapons, and master the particulars of cooking with yak's milk. It wouldn't be hard, but it requires a lot of work. ("Going green" and saving the planet might be less labor intensive.) Plus, imitating the outies' every preparation exposes our Achilles' heel and makes us easy prey on day one of doom.

In the alternative, I would suggest working together and building on each other's strengths, but that's just so much innie, soft-skills, leadership speak I can hear the outies laughing already.

There is simply no other choice. We innies need to take a page from the outie's Rule Book for Life, and turn to our own greatest strength. Which, I am sure is our better chimpanzee nature. To survive the ice age, we must find the warmest tree top available, form tight knit social groups that resemble tribes, and learn to pierce the eardrums of marauding outies with our screams.

And in the meantime, it probably wouldn't hurt to learn a few things about making musk ox jerky using last winter's sidewalk salt and that old fan in the garage.

You Don't Need No Stinking Guide

I know, I know. You don't need no stinking Guide for the Coming Ice Age. You don't care that the folks in marketing have called it the definitive guide. You have your own plan for averting the impending doom of an ice age:

1. Refuse all bags at the grocery story and the mall. Surely this will slow down climatic doom till after you are dead and buried. Plus, you don't really need bags. Proof? You have been shopping at Costco for eons. All you need is a good, sturdy cart. Plastic or metal? That's easy! The plastic is not nearly as cold to the touch--and a shopping cart would never end up in the landfill like a silly plastic bag or water bottle...
2. Learn to cook with zucchini. Sure, zucchini are nature's most disgusting food and taste like paper when left to their own devices. But zucchini are the rabbits of the plant world--reproducing with wild abandon. If you can grow one, you will grow a million and find yourself feeding an entire tribe for the winter. With zucchini you could even eat through the long, dark winter of the coming ice age!
3. Purchase an island get away. As soon as the ice age threatens to descend, jump on the first available flight to Hawaii. Bring a shopping cart full of zucchinis and you will undoubtedly be welcomed with open arms by the locals, who will be more than happy to share their water, rum and sunscreen.

This guide isn't for you, you've got it going on! It's for yokels.

Like me. People who read Animal Farm at an impressionable age, know for sure that some pigs are more equal than others, and worry that we'll need one heck of a leg up when Napoleon takes over the glacier.

Perhaps, if you are feeling smart and generous, you can let the rest of us know the secret to surviving the long, dark winter ahead?

The Answer My Friend is on the TV, the Answer is on the TV!

For generations, fish and wildlife officials, as well as hosts of TV's Animal Planet and Wild Kingdom, have been tagging large (and edible) beasts, fitting them with ear tags and collars of various sorts.

This clearly makes radar the first, and potentially most essential, tool of the coming ice age! Bring a tracker--instant dinner! Camera crew optional...

In preparation for impending doom, you may want to:

• Spend extended periods of time watching the tagging of edible critters on TV. Use an atlas to mark areas where such activities are popular.
• Study your map for patterns to identify the best place to find tagged animals in the event of a hunting emergency.
• Make an effective transportation plan to deliver you to the hunting grounds as soon as the ice age sets in. Be sure to accumulate sufficient fuel, food, water and other essentials to make your migration without delay or adversity.
  
• If there is an ocean between you and the hunting grounds, make air travel plans as soon as possible. Don't forget to apply for a visa--and I don't mean the credit card! You may not want to disclose your radar equipment to customs officials, just in case they want to horde easy prey for the locals.
  
• Check out Wikipedia for cooking instructions (just in case you are not fluent in roasted wild boar or barbecued baboon).

Thanks Mutual of Omaha, for insuring our future!

What other wonders of TV entertainment can we leverage for own future survival? Survivor and Man vs. Wild may just be Hollywood's contribution to the survival of the species...what can we learn from those?

Impending Ice Age Revealed in Change of Season

For the second year running, we here at InnerNeanderthal (and by "we" I mean one middle aged neanderthal goddess named Krista) were distracted by the allure of spring and then summer.

We would like to report that we were kept from blogging by organic farming in the backyard, smoking local delectibles such as oysters and salmon, and laying in (or is it laying down?) provisions for the winter. But with the exception of a nice roasted tomato sauce with frizzled basil and garlic thanks to Safeway and generous green-thumbed friends, we accomplished no such thing.

Rather, we contemplated life after the death of one's laptop and the loss of one's jump drive. And we learned a bit about naturopathy, energy healing and the value of a good facial.

For the second year running, we find that the leaves are turning too soon, wind storms belonging in January have arrived with the big yellow school bus, and skiing is now a mid-autumn sport, rivaling football for relevance on a Sunday afternoon.

As in past years, these new and yet some how chronic realizations have motivated us here at InnerNeanderthal, to fire up the desk top and get back to work, leaving me to contemplate, what other positive outcomes will the coming ice age bring?

Welcome back! Hope your summer was magnificent and drought-free.

The End of Civilization as We Know It!

It's the end of civilization as we know it. As a result of the recent snowstorms here in Washington's capital city:

• Mail service was suspended by one full week. I waited for two helpless weeks, tracker number in hand, for my Amazon.com box to arrive!


• There was no trash pick up for two weeks. Happily, residents will not be charged for extra bins out when service resumes.


• The local high school will not reconvene for...a while. The recent roof collapse (precipitated by snow) caused flooding throughout the building (apparently the pipes that feed the sprinkler system broke). And for reasons I cannot fully comprehend, natural gas lines must be relocated.

No mail, no trash, no public education. This is in addition to impassable roads, the worst plowing and sanding on record, and complete failure of the public transportation system. The end of civilization, I say!

At first, it seemed like an amusing commentary on snow in the northwest. But now it is snowing again.

Not just fluffly little flurries, but swirling, pelting, blinding snow whipped up by winds that make the trees creak in frightening ways. And as I slipped on my sherling boots, zipped into my LLBean all-weather parka and strapped on my faux-fur mad bomber hat in order to go out for provisions, I realized the change has come.

We have a new climate here in the Northwest, and we are utterly unprepared. One tiny snow storm has revealed how quickly the ice age can become the Dark Age all over again.

Already I miss the traditional Western Washington Winter, with its 40 days and 40 nights of unabated rain--and all the promise of civilization that implies!

A Man for All Things

When I was young, virginal and deluded, I imagined that one man could meet all my needs.

But now I recognize that in a time of climatic catastrophe I require more. Much more.

A tribe, in fact. The only question now is how to make that work.

I started by sharing this realization with my husband of 23 years. He was a little shocked, but I asked simply, "Do you want to be the man who hunts for moose, shoots them dead with no help from Sarah Palin's heliocopter, and then skins them?"

"No," he admitted. "I'd rather not be that man."

"Okay," I said, "I'll find one of those. Now, how about shooting people? I doubt you want to be the man who stands out at the edge and shoots marauders to protect me?"

Much to my surprise, he said: "I would do that!"

Really? Twenty-two years of marriage and I never knew!

So, now that I know that I have my own personal National Guard (apparently he's even had weapons training!) I can focus my attention on hunters, gatherers, healers and engineers.

The question is, what else do I need to complete my tribe, and how shall I break them in to do my bidding?

Making a List, Checking it Twice

I have just returned from the grocery store, where many shelves were completely bare.

I had not previously noticed that hot cocoa usually occupies a good 12-foot stretch of aisle 16. But the gaping hole left by Swiss Miss and Nestle immediately suggested haggard shoppers stripping the shelves like so many Soviet-era Russians in search of rare foodstuffs.

The absence of eggs, bread and Lay's snack foods was simply alarming. Clearly, the storms that have gripped the Northwest for more than a week now have immobilized the modern food chain, dependent as it is on transportation.

Without a break in the weather, shortages and riots could be in the offing. Thank heavens most folks are stocked up for Christmas (and the rest of us know what to do with a potato, an onion and a little oil...)

Truly, this turn of events gives us a tiny glimpse into the coming ice age. Sudden, bitter cold, an unprecedented accumulation of snow and ice (the ice is easily a foot deep in many locations), and a complete break down in our usual ways of doing business is disrupting routines, challenging our infrastructure, and revealing the weak who will surely collapse under the slightest pressure of climate change.

Based on this fascinating week, here's what I know for sure:

1. I require at least one strapping man with an engineering mind (who is also be able to take direction) to perform such tasks as clearing a path, carrying firewood, and engineering work-arounds when systems such as electricity and road maintenance fail completely.
2. When picking a puppy, select the one delighted by the snow. That way you'll always have the potential of a sled dog, should you need one. Dogs that require a sweater to go outside for business are a liability to their owners and surely spell doom for their slavishly devoted people in the event of an ice age!
3. Everybody needs a tribe. Your own willingness to help a stray is the measure of your likely survival. When picking a stray, however, be sure to take number 1 and 2 into account.
4. God bless the Australians who made the sherling boots currently keeping my peds warm and dry! When the ice age descends, I simply must have well-crafted boots with good traction. And if the ice age is going to press me to make my own replacements, then I want sheep and whatever else it takes to perform such sherling miracles!
5. A simple knit cap is manna from heaven (though the currently trendy mad bomber hat is a fantabulous addition for going outside!).
6. Gloves just make your hands cold. Mittens are the only way to go!

Keep warm! Be safe! And start making a list.