Are You an Innie or an Outie?

The truth is, we all have a little bit of Neanderthal in the old DNA, just as we have a bit of chimpanzee in there. Or maybe chimpanzee have a little human. It's hard to say for sure. But in any case, when pressed hard by circumstance, humans do have the ability to peel bananas from the bottom up, survive on proteins we pick from our loved ones' fur, and beat our chests emphatically when we want to make a point.

It's a little harder to know which human quirks mirror the Neanderthal. But that's only because we have so few cave men in captivity and so little video tape to observe. America's exotic pet owners, however, are able to say that today's Neanderthals, like belly buttons, come in two forms: innies and outies.

I, with my constant reflection and intellectual curiosity about the coming ice age, am an innie. My cousin PJ, who lives in the arctic circle, hunts, fishes and shoots all trespassers for food, and sheds his fur in the summer, is an outie. PJ does not need to prepare for the coming ice age. He wakes every morning, gathers up his loyal dogs, and walks outside chanting, "Today! Today! Let the ice come today! Today! Today! Let the ice come today!"

The casual observer might think he is trying to get out of going to his day job, which, let's face it, is a necessity in the pre-ice age era and something we innies have down cold. In truth, PJ is ready for his next challenge and only an ice age will do. We innies, might be somewhat behind.

We could attempt to catch up by following the outies' example--build basement get away shelters, amass a lifetime supply of food and nuclear weapons, and master the particulars of cooking with yak's milk. It wouldn't be hard, but it requires a lot of work. ("Going green" and saving the planet might be less labor intensive.) Plus, imitating the outies' every preparation exposes our Achilles' heel and makes us easy prey on day one of doom.

In the alternative, I would suggest working together and building on each other's strengths, but that's just so much innie, soft-skills, leadership speak I can hear the outies laughing already.

There is simply no other choice. We innies need to take a page from the outie's Rule Book for Life, and turn to our own greatest strength. Which, I am sure is our better chimpanzee nature. To survive the ice age, we must find the warmest tree top available, form tight knit social groups that resemble tribes, and learn to pierce the eardrums of marauding outies with our screams.

And in the meantime, it probably wouldn't hurt to learn a few things about making musk ox jerky using last winter's sidewalk salt and that old fan in the garage.