CPAP Machines & the Loss of Genetic Advantage

My offspring are doomed. And not just because they skipped their chores last night, but because they are mine. Or rather, because they are my husband's. He is simply not suited to the rudiments of survival in the wild.

I don't mean to be unkind. I love my adorable husband. But he sleeps with a CPAP machine, and he has handed down this charming genetic weakness to our progeny. There is simply no chance of long-term survival in an ice age.

Even if there were, by some miracle, electricity in our post-climate change cave, someone will undoubtedly beat these men to death with a stone just to stop the unrelenting noise. It's like spending endless, dark nights with Darth Vader; it is impossible to express the disturbance in the force!

Even if the CPAPers survive (which is unlikely once sleep deprivation sets in amongst the strong and healthy), they are genetically doomed: who, in their right mind, would willingly breed with a family whose grave stone reads: Forgot to Breath While Sleeping or Unable to Breath Independently?

Given the genetic errors of my way, my kids have got two, three generations tops.

For those of you who aren't aware, the CPAP machine is like a leaf blower you stick up your nose so you can breathe while lying down. It hums and buzzes all night long. If you are especially lucky, it will work itself into a high pitched frenzy that drills holes in your ear drums while inducing even deeper and unpenitrable sleep on the part of the CPAPer. It's enough to make you do crazy things...

Mostly, CPAPs are prescribed for snoring and sleep apnea. In some cases, there are deeper sleep disturbances lurking below the surface (as in the case of my genetically inferior family). The obvious solution is to banish all the CPAPers to their own cave. That way they won't disturb the rest of us, and there is no chance that they will reproduce any further...once that contraption is running, there is no risk of hanky panky with any of the other leaf blowers.

Obviously, this plan has a certain Red Tent ring to it, so you never know, there might be a happy ending after all.

But in the meantime, each night I turn off the lights to the wailing sound of the CPAP, I become a little bit more aware that my lovely children are doomed, doomed, genetically doomed in the coming ice age, and there is nothing I can do about it now.